lamb-of-the-tower: 2010

I really don't know the full extent of it yet. Basically I’m realizing I’m free and that I don't know anything. I’m also realizing I have a lot more independence and self respect than I knew. (Btw the timeline of story below is messed up)

I was at work and I was thinking about something someone said to me once, calling me a "damn hippie." For some reason that stuck in my head, at work I was telling a co-worker about how I don't shave my legs and she said the same thing. The more I thought about it the more I realized, I’m not at all. I guess I just took what they said for face value and never questioned it, I mean I identify with the culture but that doesn't mean anything. I’m so diverse it doesn't make any sense. I started to question everything else and I realized so much. I am not anything or a part of anything I understand I just am and that’s all there is. I am an island onto myself. I don't need anything now, I’m free. I still admire material things but I know I don't need them; it doesn’t make me anything that I already am. I went so far that I was questioning everything I started looking at paper and realizing I can understand it’s a two dimensional space and I can understand what happens when I put a pen on it but there’s so much more about that paper! How was it made? What’s in it? How will it react to this chemical? What does this paper mean? I went into my closet and I was looking at a skirt and I realized I have no idea what a skirt is!!!!!! And I looked at it and I played with it and I put it on as a shirt and it looked so much better as a shirt than a skirt. Does that mean the skirt isn't? Is it a shirt? I have no fucking clue and I love it!

Without knowing anything I’m free! I have nothing but potential for everything to be anything. Every idea thought word or physical item I know isn't but it can be and it always is. Does that make sense?

After work that same day (yesterday) I was watching Garden State with this kid and he said something like "you’re just like Natalie Portman your both so unique, you're so similar" and I realized I hate the word unique because it means nothing, everything is. It isn't similar it isn’t different it just has potential. then I started thinking about how I usually talk about these things with you my best friend katy, who is currently on her senior sabbatical in finland. Generally I talk to her and she'll ask me questions back but I realized I can’t know anything but I can answer myself in infinitely different ways. She may suggest an answer to my question but in the end every individual just is and every brain shows different potential. Prior to this i would have freeked out and needed her to help me work it out but as much as I love her being separated from her has allowed me to realize I can survive with just myself. I can be independent and I understand now I’ll be ok in London at college next year.

From there I started thinking in terms of my lack of knowledge. I was with kid i was watching the movie with and he was getting frisky. (note: different point in time and in the past I haven't slept with him but we've hooked up) He started making the movements towards the bedroom, I didn’t particularly want to. I was thinking about my body and I love it. It’s taken me so long and so many destructive habits but I realized I am for myself. GOD DAMN IT I HAVE VALUE! I am for my own emotions I am for my own pleasures. If that pleasure comes from others bodys I can enjoy it but I, myself, am free and independent of other people, their wishes and thoughts. Needless to say I told him no straight up. I am not a damn hippie I am raw human potential, I am free, I am independent and I love myself.